oh my god

 i just came home to a message. some anonymous person said that this is what became of those who "looked too deep". i. i feel sick.

it was someone. a young woman i think. and her skin there was...

there was a bunch of eyes on her skin she looked dead there was blood everywhere it was like it erupted out of her. is that gonna be me? i've gotten to itching myself almost compulsively as of late. are they under my skin? do i have to get them out? no no no i can't peel it off am i fucking insane??? 

i dont think i remember even writing a lot of these posts. i dont even really know if i'll remember this hahahaha. i look at these and i just ask myself what the fuck was i doing what was i on? 

i can't pretend to be a normal person any longer. i just go to school i try to focus on my studies i used to talk to her but i just. i miss her so much i miss ave so much i wish i was better i wish i wasnt a fucking monster i wish i wasnt so selfish. she's an angel. living perfection. but i'm beyond salvation. she keeps calling me. i think it's gotten over a hundred at this point. i can't help but feel bad for her but... she must understand that this is good for her. nobody needs to know me. nobody should know me. 

another dont read

 i must be a whole new kind of selfish. i know she wants me out to be with her but i just can't do that. she calls me all the time asking me what's wrong.... i need her but she doesn't need me. i wish she could see that. i love her i really do she's my best friend i wanna be with her forever but... i have to sacrifice my relationship with her. no matter how much i need her... is it wild to admit my day gets a lot brighter whenever she's around? i need her like i need ocygen bht i dont deservrr her hahahha. hah... im going to bed

a thousand eyes. or is it 999?

 they're watching me. i just know they are. i can feel it. a thousand eyes staring right at me. waiting for me to write this. to exist again. right now as i type this there are eyes appearing anywhere i can find them. there are eyes on the desk, the chair, my hands. none on the computer though. that's like... sacred.

do you think i'm going crazy? considering the stuff ppl sent me on the guestbook i might as well. haha. isn't that funny? the way i so quickly broke down. i miss my friend i miss her so much i don't really feel like a person without her. but i know she's better this way. everyone would be better off without me.

all i need is this screen. all i need is the search. then all of this will end and i can finally start living again. i can be a person again... 

am i real? am i a real person? or am i fictional? maybe i'm fictional. maybe i AM just text on a screen and nothing more. maybe some other person is writing this right now, bored out of their mind. hahahahaha that'd be so fucked right?

im tired im going to bed.

happy anniversary!

 so. it is may first, which officially means that this blog has been running for a full year. it's funny, isn't it? i reread the first post. i used to have light in my eyes back then. i didn't even know about the search or whatever the fuck. i was able to sleep easy at night. look at me now, my room's a pigsty, i refuse to talk to my friend, nothing can save me. and i don't think i really want to be saved. i kind of wish i could go back and tell past sabie "it's not worth it", but it's too late now. and this site won't find itself haha!!!

don't read this one please

i still miss her. it's like a vital part of me is gone without her. she's like a beam of light to shine on my honestly pathetic life. i need her. but i dont deserve her. she deserves better than me i wish we never met shes too worried about me. she keeps sending me calls and i never answer and i feel bad everytime. but she doesn't understand it. i bet if she found my room she would see how undeserving i am but she hasn't been here since... god idk how long. i wish i could see her again seeing her feels like witnessing an angel. maybe she is an angel. a beautiful angel that has to redeem me. but i'm irredeemable. a monster. she doesn't deserve me she needs better friends im horrible she should just leave me to rot why does she keep trying why why why why why why

quick update

it's 4/20 today. i'd make the obvious weed joke but i'm not a fucking stoner lmao. not here to get addicted, y'know?

today i went outside without any obligations for the first time in... months. it was a simple trek to the library, was getting a tape on something... my research has been getting weird lately. i've almost fallen down a weird extra rabbit hole. the circumstances behind drowsytown games are so murky and mysterious and... i don't know why, but i feel this unquenchable thirst to figure it out. it's my only respite these days, if i try to be content in not knowing i end up shaking in my bed seeing eyes everywhere i go. i must do this or something will find out and it'll hurt me. 

what is wrong with me?

sorry guys :/

 i swear i have all these leads and it feels like it's all going nowhere!!! and i know i should try to document them more, that's what i'm here for, but i just keep forgetting!!!!!! and it feels like im letting you all down, yknow? i keep forgetting to write about the weird offshoot and the rumors and the fact i've found people who are linked to the damn site (they haven't responded to my emails though :/) and how fucking elusive wiley's games is... i know all these things and i know i need to get to these and i should tell you people but i just keep forgetting and it's like what's the point? why can't i do this right? i vowed to focus on this but im still not good enough to even have the energy to finish what i started... haven't cleaned my room in months, floor covered in papers... i look like shit tbh. i need to get back on track. i already threw away everything for this. like, i havent spoken to my friend in months. i hope she doesn't think i hate her or anything for that honestly... i just... i cant keep on doing this, pretending that everything is fine, that my entire self worth is defined by a fucking game for babies. god. thats so stupid honestly. all of this over that???? 

oh. something's seeing this isn't it? i should just go to bed.

in a sense this is all kind of funny

 it's april fools, the one day where jokes, japes, and jests are fully encouraged. i remember when i was younger i used to love the holiday. i can't really find it in myself to care anymore though. 

my friend pranked me today though. she told me to come back behind the school and she just started going on this jokey existential rant about worms or something. it was stupid. but she seemed so happy and so eager when she finally got the april fools prank on me, y'know? she's wonderful. i don't know why she even bothers with me. she deserves better.

the musical's run ended. i dropped out of tech rather early tbh, so i never got to see it all to fruition, but it seems really good. i forgot to come, which im sure bummed my friend out, but... she doesn't deserve me. if i don't need her, she shouldn't have me. she's wonderful she's beautiful she's the best person i've ever met in the whole wide world. and what am i? some loser who spends all day in her room. i don't deserve her and by god she doesn't deserve me... sigh... she's been calling me a lot.

also it's teto's birthday. wooo

sorry 4 waxing poetic abt this bs lmao ^^'

 i kind of feel like i only exist within this site. like im just a bunch of words written up by somebody else. or computer code. i don't know why i feel this way. i still technically have a presence in this world. i go to school i (rarely) talk to my friend... i don't know man. it's like something's been clouding my brain as of late. or maybe it's always been there. i've been noticing my eyes look a bit purple...... i dunno why. 

i've been pushing a bit away from my friend as of late. i love her and care about her and all that but i feel like we're just burdens to one another. i'm a burden on her, she doesn't deserve my bullshit, and she's a burden on me, she's stopping me from what i was... i don't know dude but it feels like... i was born for the sites? maybe i'm going crazy. that's what happens when you spend your days holed up in your room in front of a screen ig. i just can't handle anywhere outside school. i can't help but notice that something is watching me yknow? sigh. im tired..... i kind of regret dropping out of the play.

i think someone's out to get me

so at school today something was just. off. i can't tell what, but i couldn't shake off the feeling that i was being... watched. there's been a lot of strange shit as of late tbh. my classmates have been looking at me weird lately and my head's been killing me. i swear in crowds i can see strange figures looking DIRECTLY at me. did i uncover something??? what's going on????????? i've been having the dreams again too. it's always the same shit, gore, violence, bloodshed. it's like something is fucking with me. i don't get it man. i don't think of myself as an interesting person, yknow? i started this blog just to fill the fucking time, which says a lot about my personality i feel. is someone watching me through the computer screen? are you watching me? hello?

god my head's killing me. i don't even know who i'm looking at in the mirror half the time. i'm deteriorating. i'm like that bitch in the yellow wallpaper. i need to sleep.

my fuckibg heaaaddddddd....

oh my god it's so late. its like 5 holy shit. my brain's been so scrambled as of late honestly, i keep finding these long stretches of time that i just can't remember. i could be at my computer going through emails and i then black out and it's the next day and i'm staring at an image i have saved on my computer of blinky. ave's seems to be really concerned about me too, she keeps trying to call me, but i keep sending her to voicemail.... i don't deserve her and her help honestly, i'm too pathetic for that.

she really deserves someone else, doesn't she? i love her so much, and she's so much more worthy of someone else. why me? why did she choose me of all people to be her friend or whatever? look at me! all i'm useful for is this site. isgh. im tired. im gonna sleep

lol im like human garbage

 my memory's gotten REALLY bad lately i just realized. like. i cant really remember any of the past couple of weeks bad. i dont know if thats normal. i dont know if any of this is normal. i've been impulsively scratching my skin to get the eyes under it out but i KNOW nothing is under there. everytime i turn this fucking screen on i feel like my mind goes blank. i have a lot of voicemails. my friend's worried about me. sometimes i wish she could stop worrying. sometimes i wish she would let me go and let me become one with the wires and motherboards. but i also want to be saved, isn't that funny? i've known her for years yknow. and throughout those years she proved herself as kind courageous honorable... she's everything im not. she's so better than me in every way why would she willingly hang out with me. i don't get it. i dont get her. she's like perfection and im just. what am i? like really in the end of things. what if im just lines on a page words on a screen. no no no no thats not the case sabie get a fucking grip. man i need a therapist

weirdly sexist sister site and rumors

finally giving an update on the drowsytown games stuff!!! this post is mainly about 2 things, and since this post is written prtty late i'll probably update the page tomorrow. ANYWAYS there's two main things for this one, a sister site and the slew of urban legends and rumors surrounding the site.

#1. starkidgames.com, this one was brought to my attention by notsoangryjohnny so thanks to him for that!!! the site is another flash game site, mainly being geared towards women. there's three characters in there i think, linda, melissa, and maria. i've spent a good amount of time looking through the site (though my memory on what exactly i DO in front of a screen has been getting worse as of late... for some reason) and it's... well it's something. the thing's been dyed red so much it hurts my fucking eyes. i wasn't joking about the misogyny by the way it's BAD. like BAD BAD. we aren't here to talk about the politics of a girlsgogames clone though; we're here to talk about it's relation to DTG. sooooo. the characters in drowsytown games cameo a LOT in this one. there's a billboard in the background of one of the games with pokey on it and all three of the girls have a plushie of them in their rooms. honestly it's actually kind of weird that there ARE cameos considering the fact that uh. drowsytown games is made by uncle wiley's games, while starkidgames is listed as being under "starry children co". i'd guess they're different branches of the same company or something but still kinda weird to have two branches for two websites. and on "starry children co"...

#2 there are a LOT of rumors surrounding these games for some reason. like a LOT. idk who's so deadset on putting this site's name in a snopes article but by GOD they're trying. i've seen it all. cults, experiments, eldritch horrors, mind control! it's so fucking weird. i can't even look up either of those two company's names without hearing some shit about elder gods and cults. apparently the starry children was the name of a cult that worshipped 5 gods with the mentality of an infant and got massacred in the 80s by another, unrelated cult. Yeah. i don't believe in any of these rumors, they're all obvious bullshit some 13 year old made as a creepypasta. but it's still valuable information to know the public perception of the thing or whatever the fuck. still a roadblock but it's ok. i guess.

i don't think i should've worked that much tbh

 ok so when i was a kid i used to hang out a lot in our local library. lovely place, there's some rumors that the place was cursed by cultists but honestly the place never gave me those "cursed" vibes. well except for one time. so i was staying especially late that day, my mom was especially bad that day so i needed an excuse to get out of the house, and the librarians decided to let me stay - though they did make me sort their books and shit. let me set the scene, it's around 10PM on a friday, i am 10, and i am extraordinarily tired and bored. i've been doing nothing but carry around books for the past 5 hours. it's become kind of mind numbing. suddenly, i hear a loud noise coming from the history section, the one i JUST finished. i go in to investigate. despite the clear sounds of a struggle and some speaking in tongues or whatever, all i see is a burnt patch on the ground and a visibly exhausted woman. i don't actually remember anything about her, just that she was kind to me and patted me on the forehead before leaving. i guess it must've been my overactive imagination? i still wonder if it was real though... wouldn't be the weirdest thing that's happened all day.

ugh why aren't i asleep :/

i've been waiting all night for my friend to wake up so i can call her. it's like i'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms from being away from her for too long. her and the site feel like the only two things that give me purpose in life and i fumbled with the site (i can still feel the eyes judging me, as if to tell me to get back to work). she's so on top of her game yknow? way better than me. honestly the fact that an angel like her would even dare to befriend someone like me just. i'm really grateful for her. i wish we were closer though. 

new year time!!

2014 is coming in only 8 hours, huh? it's wild how fast time flies. when i started this blog it was may, i was young and starry-eyes and a LOT happier. it's only been a couple of months but things changed so so much. back then everything was so clear but now the days melt into one another. it fucking sucks man. while most people tend to party or be with their families at this time, i've simply resigned to typing away at my computer like a fucking loser. 2014 feels so vast to me and it's giving me a strange sense of finality about things. maybe i'll figure it all out then, but honestly if things keep going like this idk if i'll even live to college lmao.

whats with all the holidays that are just excuses to buy stuff

can i be real with you all real quick?

i hate christmas.

it's just an excuse to buy stuff. you don't NEED all those gifts. you're just gonna dump it all out anyway. and i could care less about family. i want to stay as far away from my family as possible. they all treat me like the scum of the earth or a walking tragedy. a sack of wasted potential. i sometimes wish i could hide in a corner somewhere and fade away from this world. this world that provides me with nothing but hurt. call me a cynic but im just being realistic. 

funny thing is that i used to be very open about my hatred of christmas but lately ive been feeling extra paranoid, like something is watching me, expecting the "right reaction". i hate that feeling. of being judged. scrutinized. im tired of keeping secrets im tired of being on the edge 24/7 im tired of existing. man im being so edgy rn

listen i SWEAR im gonna start posting regularly again

december already huh? it feels like only a couple of weeks ago i started this blog... and now it's gonna be 2014 soon. wild. the play is going ok by the way. i haven't really talked about it much but im doing the lights and my friend's a generic background character. i used to be really butthurt when i got those types of roles but nobody else seems to be? maybe im just a weirdo idfk. i can't help but stare at that one girl in awe. i've spoken to her a handful of times and ave seems to like her but i swear i know her from SOMEWHERE. is it normal to have deja vu from a person? idk. been having weird dreams as per the usual. they've been degenerating in contents though, it went from normal dreams suddenly being corrupted to just. eyes. so many eyes. just staring straight into my soul and judging me. maybe they found something in there that they found funny. maybe that's why im suffering so much. as a joke. 

why am i even spilling my guts out on this fucking blog anyway. someone's gonna find it. 

i forgot again lol

 in my defense, i have been studying a lot more recently and thus haven't had the time to post more or dedicate more of my life to the site, which sucks ofc (can't help but feel like i'm being punished a little) but yknow. ave's been dragging me along and there's auditions for the school musical coming up. i was super into those back in middle school but now i kind of. don't care anymore for those things. esp performing - i used to be able to brazenly go on stage and belt my heart out but nowadays i have actual shame so i don't even sing at home lol. i still signed up though, i've just been going to school and going home n shit so i decided i needed a change. it was for tech though, i'd rather be caught dead than be on stage. i'll write a post about the website i mentioned last time, but man dude johnny didn't lie that shit is RED.

i forgot to post for like 18 days

yeahhh sorry about that. i've just been really busy with school n stuff and didn't get to do much online. ave isn't helping either. she keeps telling me to forget about the site and just live life but i literally can't yknow? she's kind of my only lifeline though atm so i don't wanna cut her off. i care about her deeply yknow. she's like an angel bringing salvation to me or something... i don't deserve her........ she's been showing me her games collection a lot more recently which i find lovely! she likes the multiplayer ones the most because we can play together with them :) she's so wonderful why does she even bother with someone like me? pretty too. but in a platonic way. i'm not gay. i likeee mennn.