happy halloween!

im not. im not gonna talk about hoco. you can't make me.

but it's halloween today!!! wooooo!!!! i went as something rather generic tbh, just a ghost. it was in the "dead teenager who haunts the school" way though, not a sheet ghost or whatever. i have seen people go as sheet ghosts though. my friend and that one girl i mentioned before who i had deja vu about went as those two twins from gravity falls. and i befriended deja vu girl. she's nice. i've been in a really shitty mood since homecoming, something REALLY bad happened there and i just... man. 

me ave and deja vu girl all decided to do a variety of things - a haunted house, pumpkin carving, and a movie night. ave held me when she got scared... also jesus fucking christ they weren't lying about that dog being freaky. oh well. i feel a bit better, but i can't help but feel like everything ave's been dragging me out to do is just a bandaid to cover the gaping hole in my life. and there's only one thing that can fill it.

i've been putting it off for too long, i'm getting back on track. 

not going to the game though fuck the game

tomorrow's the homecoming dance, and as said before, i'm going. normally i would stay home during these, but my dearest friend wanted me to go and... i don't have the heart to say no to her. she's the only thing keeping me down to earth i feel... i dunno what i'd do without her haha... i don't deserve her :(..... i got a dress and everything so like whatever. we're going together... so are we going to the dance as like... a date? i don't know why but my heart flutters a bit when i think about that. but that's gay. nothing wrong with that it's just. yknow. im not a lesbian lol.

i can't help but feel like everything is gonna be okay.

blue light burned into my eyes

sorry for my inactivity, school shit. 

speaking of school shit, hoco is coming up in a couple of weeks. i don't really know if i should go or not though. usually i only go because my friend's going. she's honestly been the main deciding force on if i do certain things or not lmaoooo. i should start calling her something other than my friend. how does AL sound? nvm she's not weird al uh. A? ave? fuck it ave. 

i've been looking at the other site johnny mentioned in my guestbook. "starkidgames.com" or something. i'll probably write something on it but i don't really have the energy for that rn.

i've been having the dreams again. this time they're all about ave for some reason. it always starts with us some form of affection. sometimes it's her comforting me. and then i plunge a knife deep in her back and she rots in a blink of an eye, leaving nothing but dust. and at first i always feel nothing until i realize she's gone gone and i freak out. then He comes to soothe me and i feel better and wake up. i never figured out who He is though. only that He is someone to be feared. He won't leave me alone either and im so pathetic for even letting Him influence me im so sorry ave im so

god i just had an episode again. it was so bad i needed to open the window for some air. which then led me to check the calendar. october tenth. tenten. happy birthday to me i guess. i am officially a year older, the big one.  and there was no fanfare. nobody cared. not even me. i spent my birthday looking at a site for babies. i'm such a loser. why does ave even like me.

god's watching me

He's watching me and He's laughing. i've been stumbling this entire time but i can tell i'm good entertainment for Him. my friend and i were chatting today. she's been asking too many questions. and i'd answer all of them but honestly i know as little as she does. i can feel the eyes on me are getting bored. i have to provide good entertainment i have to i have to i have to

shitty poems

 so i had to write a poem for english. uh. here it is. it's kinda scuffed but idc.

AHEM

this is called "sweet dreams of cherries and pomegranates "

a sweet dream of cherries and pomegranates has been invading your mind

no matter how hard you try the clock never goes past nine 

in this world of paradise and matrimony

the only thing to save you is the harsh reality of the blade

ok that sucked ass tbh but i got a passing grade soooooo

i made a guestbook! wooo

 nothing much happened today, just school which is. school. my friend dragged me outside again, which i guess is nice, but is honestly kinda hampering what i'm trying to do and shit. it's only a couple of us, y'know? speaking of, i've set up a guestbook! i've been feeling like nobody's been reading these, and that with the rut i've been in with the search gives me ample reason to make a guestbook, i guess. 

i just realized i was in the hospital a lot as a kid

 my  teacher asked where we were during 9/11 again. i always found that a silly question, why do you want to make people relive that? plus, there's gonna be people out there born after the day, lol. i do remember where i was though. i was in the hospital and i was wondering why everyone was freaking out over the tv. i was in the hospital a lot as a kid actually. apparently i was really clumsy and hurt myself a lot? my childhood is really fucking blurry. a collection of vignettes. a lot of which being set in a hospital bed, bandages around my arms or forehead or wherever else. i'd ask my family about it, but i don't think they'd wanna talk about it. i get why, it must suck to have your kid be in the hospital all the time. but whatever, it's not like i'll be back in that musty bed anytime soon.