don't read this one please

i still miss her. it's like a vital part of me is gone without her. she's like a beam of light to shine on my honestly pathetic life. i need her. but i dont deserve her. she deserves better than me i wish we never met shes too worried about me. she keeps sending me calls and i never answer and i feel bad everytime. but she doesn't understand it. i bet if she found my room she would see how undeserving i am but she hasn't been here since... god idk how long. i wish i could see her again seeing her feels like witnessing an angel. maybe she is an angel. a beautiful angel that has to redeem me. but i'm irredeemable. a monster. she doesn't deserve me she needs better friends im horrible she should just leave me to rot why does she keep trying why why why why why why

quick update

it's 4/20 today. i'd make the obvious weed joke but i'm not a fucking stoner lmao. not here to get addicted, y'know?

today i went outside without any obligations for the first time in... months. it was a simple trek to the library, was getting a tape on something... my research has been getting weird lately. i've almost fallen down a weird extra rabbit hole. the circumstances behind drowsytown games are so murky and mysterious and... i don't know why, but i feel this unquenchable thirst to figure it out. it's my only respite these days, if i try to be content in not knowing i end up shaking in my bed seeing eyes everywhere i go. i must do this or something will find out and it'll hurt me. 

what is wrong with me?

sorry guys :/

 i swear i have all these leads and it feels like it's all going nowhere!!! and i know i should try to document them more, that's what i'm here for, but i just keep forgetting!!!!!! and it feels like im letting you all down, yknow? i keep forgetting to write about the weird offshoot and the rumors and the fact i've found people who are linked to the damn site (they haven't responded to my emails though :/) and how fucking elusive wiley's games is... i know all these things and i know i need to get to these and i should tell you people but i just keep forgetting and it's like what's the point? why can't i do this right? i vowed to focus on this but im still not good enough to even have the energy to finish what i started... haven't cleaned my room in months, floor covered in papers... i look like shit tbh. i need to get back on track. i already threw away everything for this. like, i havent spoken to my friend in months. i hope she doesn't think i hate her or anything for that honestly... i just... i cant keep on doing this, pretending that everything is fine, that my entire self worth is defined by a fucking game for babies. god. thats so stupid honestly. all of this over that???? 

oh. something's seeing this isn't it? i should just go to bed.

in a sense this is all kind of funny

 it's april fools, the one day where jokes, japes, and jests are fully encouraged. i remember when i was younger i used to love the holiday. i can't really find it in myself to care anymore though. 

my friend pranked me today though. she told me to come back behind the school and she just started going on this jokey existential rant about worms or something. it was stupid. but she seemed so happy and so eager when she finally got the april fools prank on me, y'know? she's wonderful. i don't know why she even bothers with me. she deserves better.

the musical's run ended. i dropped out of tech rather early tbh, so i never got to see it all to fruition, but it seems really good. i forgot to come, which im sure bummed my friend out, but... she doesn't deserve me. if i don't need her, she shouldn't have me. she's wonderful she's beautiful she's the best person i've ever met in the whole wide world. and what am i? some loser who spends all day in her room. i don't deserve her and by god she doesn't deserve me... sigh... she's been calling me a lot.

also it's teto's birthday. wooo