new year time!!

2014 is coming in only 8 hours, huh? it's wild how fast time flies. when i started this blog it was may, i was young and starry-eyes and a LOT happier. it's only been a couple of months but things changed so so much. back then everything was so clear but now the days melt into one another. it fucking sucks man. while most people tend to party or be with their families at this time, i've simply resigned to typing away at my computer like a fucking loser. 2014 feels so vast to me and it's giving me a strange sense of finality about things. maybe i'll figure it all out then, but honestly if things keep going like this idk if i'll even live to college lmao.

whats with all the holidays that are just excuses to buy stuff

can i be real with you all real quick?

i hate christmas.

it's just an excuse to buy stuff. you don't NEED all those gifts. you're just gonna dump it all out anyway. and i could care less about family. i want to stay as far away from my family as possible. they all treat me like the scum of the earth or a walking tragedy. a sack of wasted potential. i sometimes wish i could hide in a corner somewhere and fade away from this world. this world that provides me with nothing but hurt. call me a cynic but im just being realistic. 

funny thing is that i used to be very open about my hatred of christmas but lately ive been feeling extra paranoid, like something is watching me, expecting the "right reaction". i hate that feeling. of being judged. scrutinized. im tired of keeping secrets im tired of being on the edge 24/7 im tired of existing. man im being so edgy rn

listen i SWEAR im gonna start posting regularly again

december already huh? it feels like only a couple of weeks ago i started this blog... and now it's gonna be 2014 soon. wild. the play is going ok by the way. i haven't really talked about it much but im doing the lights and my friend's a generic background character. i used to be really butthurt when i got those types of roles but nobody else seems to be? maybe im just a weirdo idfk. i can't help but stare at that one girl in awe. i've spoken to her a handful of times and ave seems to like her but i swear i know her from SOMEWHERE. is it normal to have deja vu from a person? idk. been having weird dreams as per the usual. they've been degenerating in contents though, it went from normal dreams suddenly being corrupted to just. eyes. so many eyes. just staring straight into my soul and judging me. maybe they found something in there that they found funny. maybe that's why im suffering so much. as a joke. 

why am i even spilling my guts out on this fucking blog anyway. someone's gonna find it.