i'd say good morning but it's like 1

 so. i just woke up today on the computer, with a blogpost and some weird cryptic website on my browser. i'll have to comb through the website more before i put it on here, but it's. something alright.  

what i really came here for, is the dream i had today. i suppose it could be chalked up to a overactive subconscious, but it still disturbed me in a way.

i don't remember how it began, but i apparently died and was in a waiting room, awaiting to be sorted into heaven, hell, or "Their domain". yeah i don't know what that means either. i could hear people's pleas for salvation in the sorting room and i could hear them scream when they weren't sent to heaven but to hell. or. whatever "Their domain" is. the waiting room smelled like shitty champagne and was littered with cheesy posters. one thing i noticed is that a good portion of the people in the waiting room were the exact same guy for some reason, which i find funny. right next to me was some redhead in a basic ass purple hoodie and jeans, i averted my gaze towards her until she poked me and i looked at her. i felt like i saw her before. she just smiled at me and said that i killed her, in a cadence that sounded like she was... proud of that. then i woke up. 

... so yeah accusations of murder from a stranger and dream deja vu aside it was a fairly peaceful sleep. 

god im so useless

i'd apologize for not posting in a good bit, but genuinely, who the hell is actually reading this shit? who cares if i'm not posting on this blog every single fucking day? who gives a shit? my eyes have been hurting like hell rn, i guess it's from the blue light? computer screens and shit. 

i can't help but feel a thousand eyes on me every single minute of my life. i don't want to think about it, i don't want to feel it, i constantly try to drown out the deep wrong-ness that's been invading my life with absolutely anything and everything. music movies art shitty internet forums... i don't think it's working. i need to finish what i started. it has to be here. there has to be something left.

funny triangle men from cartoons have no effect on the real world unfortunately.

i was at my friend's place the other day and she told me about the season finale of some weird disney channel show about a fucked up town in oregon and two kids who were there over the summer or whatever. i never watched any of it but she was SUPER into it. she was going on and on about the story implications and stuff and i honestly had no idea what she was talking about, but i was happy to be seeing her so....

of course i saw something in the corner of my eye. of course i could see someone else, watching us, watching me. but honestly i don't think i care anymore, it's just a part of my life now. plus, it's hard to stay paranoid when you have her gentle hands and warm laugh to keep you company. so there i was, watching intently as my best friend was going off about nothing in particular while i wasn't even really paying attention at all to anything but her. i don't know why but i feel a lot more at ease with her around. maybe i should try becoming her roommate or something maybe all of this would be easier to deal with lol. i remembered she brought up this triangle guy though, neil cipher was his name? if i got that wrong, srry ig. anyways yeah she was talking about how he was in the opening and stuff and was speculating about a portal or whatever. i wasn't paying attention. but yeah something about the triangle dude briefly caught my attention. no clue. still got no clue how to conclude these

my badddd

i realize i went on another hiatus from posting. in my defense my mental health's been kinda shitty lol. i've  been seeing more and more of these purple eyeballs in the corner of my vision and i don't know why. i know i should see the shrink or something but i don't wanna be the local crazy bitch you know? been searching everywhere for the games btw. nothing still. i'd say i'm losing hope but honestly i've began to feel like it's a part of the "fun" or whatever. i've been discovering a lot of internet oddities regardless. do you know they made a musical out of higurashi? i didnt. the musical sucks btw don't watch it. my friend's been the only reason i ever escape from the comforting glow of a computer monitor. i still don't know how she does it.... keep it together i mean. sometimes i wonder what she'd feel if i told her the reason why this is happening is cause of a search for video games. whatever.

how the fuck do you stop blinking. dehydration??

 i went to the doctor yesterday. it was a standard check up, we do them semi-frequently. i say semi cause my mom forgets to do them a LOT. anyways it was the normal drill, check my weight check my height check my blood pressure - all of its normal and fine and shit. then my doctor suddenly stops and asks me, of all things, if i've been blinking. no joke. apparently my eyes just. stopped blinking automatically? you kinda need to blink though to like. give your eye moisture so i have to use eyedrops and blink manually now. google lends up nothing by the way. i'm guessing it's cause of sleep deprivation, that my brain is so tired it shut off being able to blink for some reason? it's a stretch but it's all i got. it feels like forcing a door open or something whenever i blink, like some unknown force just REALLY doesn't want me to blink. it's weird asf.

rock music can be campy as fuck sometimes

my friend dragged me out of the house today. she bought us tickets to a local concert to some up-and-coming rock band from ohio, "needy beast" or whatever. we never heard of them before but she found out about it and sampled some songs cause the last time we went to a concert of a band we never heard of before, it was some weird as fuck hipster shit. she thought it was cool and decided to get us both tickets. she's worried about me apparently. says i haven't been acting like myself.... fair. i didn't put much of a fight so we went to the location...

i admit it, i had fun! the music felt like the epitome of trashy punk bands you'd see on TV but honestly i don't really care about that. breathing in the outside air and finally doing something that's not behind a screen was refreshing, y'know? and my friend seemed kind of relieved to see me NOT cooped up in my room looking like i've only been subsisting off of monster energy and hot pockets. i got a guitar out of it somehow (i'm thinking of learning how to play it!!) and came home feeling a bit more at ease... but. i swear to god, i saw...something in the crowd. i couldn't really tell, but i swear it was watching me, laughing at me, mocking me...disappointed in me? i don't know if it's just a hallucination or not, probably a hallucination, but i still feel scared asf of that. maybe i should leave my room more often though. i know the site is depending on me to uncover it, but it's tiring you know? i need to take a break.