everything is ok dw

i realize i haven't put anything on this blog in weeks, and i don't really know how to respond to it at this moment, and i think it's fine that i don't have a response to that. i've just been spending these past like...11 days(?) devoting all my time and energy into uncovering the website. i'm close to finding something, i just know it. i just got to work more on this and everything will be A-OK. 

i've been feeling really paranoid lately, but right now i feel strangely... at peace? i know i'll probably go back to how i usually am by the morning, but right now... i feel like i need the website as much as it needs me, like i'm some sort of voyeur for it's message. is that the right word? "voyeur"? whatever it is, i can't exist without the site, and it probably can't exist without me. i'd be horrified at that idea, if it weren't for how beautiful it feels.

my friend is worried about me. she went to see me yesterday. it was kind of unprompted but i don't really care. my room was pitch dark, illuminated only by the glow of my computer screen. i didn't clean the place in weeks. she opened the door and her usually bright face was awash with concern. "sabie, are you... are you alright?" she said, "sabie when was the last time you slept? you have BAD eyebags". i didn't know what to answer with, still kind of don't. god, i'm such a wreck. why does she still put up with me? she scooped me up and made me leave the confines of my room, she tried talking to me about it, i didn't want to answer. how do you even explain any of this to someone? sometimes i wonder how she makes it look so easy. oh well. 

i'm sure after all this shit passes, everything will be fine, and i'll just remember whatever this is as some oddity in my life, and my friend will stop being so worried about me. how do you end one of these things?