oh my god

 i just came home to a message. some anonymous person said that this is what became of those who "looked too deep". i. i feel sick.

it was someone. a young woman i think. and her skin there was...

there was a bunch of eyes on her skin she looked dead there was blood everywhere it was like it erupted out of her. is that gonna be me? i've gotten to itching myself almost compulsively as of late. are they under my skin? do i have to get them out? no no no i can't peel it off am i fucking insane??? 

i dont think i remember even writing a lot of these posts. i dont even really know if i'll remember this hahahaha. i look at these and i just ask myself what the fuck was i doing what was i on? 

i can't pretend to be a normal person any longer. i just go to school i try to focus on my studies i used to talk to her but i just. i miss her so much i miss ave so much i wish i was better i wish i wasnt a fucking monster i wish i wasnt so selfish. she's an angel. living perfection. but i'm beyond salvation. she keeps calling me. i think it's gotten over a hundred at this point. i can't help but feel bad for her but... she must understand that this is good for her. nobody needs to know me. nobody should know me. 

another dont read

 i must be a whole new kind of selfish. i know she wants me out to be with her but i just can't do that. she calls me all the time asking me what's wrong.... i need her but she doesn't need me. i wish she could see that. i love her i really do she's my best friend i wanna be with her forever but... i have to sacrifice my relationship with her. no matter how much i need her... is it wild to admit my day gets a lot brighter whenever she's around? i need her like i need ocygen bht i dont deservrr her hahahha. hah... im going to bed

a thousand eyes. or is it 999?

 they're watching me. i just know they are. i can feel it. a thousand eyes staring right at me. waiting for me to write this. to exist again. right now as i type this there are eyes appearing anywhere i can find them. there are eyes on the desk, the chair, my hands. none on the computer though. that's like... sacred.

do you think i'm going crazy? considering the stuff ppl sent me on the guestbook i might as well. haha. isn't that funny? the way i so quickly broke down. i miss my friend i miss her so much i don't really feel like a person without her. but i know she's better this way. everyone would be better off without me.

all i need is this screen. all i need is the search. then all of this will end and i can finally start living again. i can be a person again... 

am i real? am i a real person? or am i fictional? maybe i'm fictional. maybe i AM just text on a screen and nothing more. maybe some other person is writing this right now, bored out of their mind. hahahahaha that'd be so fucked right?

im tired im going to bed.

happy anniversary!

 so. it is may first, which officially means that this blog has been running for a full year. it's funny, isn't it? i reread the first post. i used to have light in my eyes back then. i didn't even know about the search or whatever the fuck. i was able to sleep easy at night. look at me now, my room's a pigsty, i refuse to talk to my friend, nothing can save me. and i don't think i really want to be saved. i kind of wish i could go back and tell past sabie "it's not worth it", but it's too late now. and this site won't find itself haha!!!

don't read this one please

i still miss her. it's like a vital part of me is gone without her. she's like a beam of light to shine on my honestly pathetic life. i need her. but i dont deserve her. she deserves better than me i wish we never met shes too worried about me. she keeps sending me calls and i never answer and i feel bad everytime. but she doesn't understand it. i bet if she found my room she would see how undeserving i am but she hasn't been here since... god idk how long. i wish i could see her again seeing her feels like witnessing an angel. maybe she is an angel. a beautiful angel that has to redeem me. but i'm irredeemable. a monster. she doesn't deserve me she needs better friends im horrible she should just leave me to rot why does she keep trying why why why why why why

quick update

it's 4/20 today. i'd make the obvious weed joke but i'm not a fucking stoner lmao. not here to get addicted, y'know?

today i went outside without any obligations for the first time in... months. it was a simple trek to the library, was getting a tape on something... my research has been getting weird lately. i've almost fallen down a weird extra rabbit hole. the circumstances behind drowsytown games are so murky and mysterious and... i don't know why, but i feel this unquenchable thirst to figure it out. it's my only respite these days, if i try to be content in not knowing i end up shaking in my bed seeing eyes everywhere i go. i must do this or something will find out and it'll hurt me. 

what is wrong with me?

sorry guys :/

 i swear i have all these leads and it feels like it's all going nowhere!!! and i know i should try to document them more, that's what i'm here for, but i just keep forgetting!!!!!! and it feels like im letting you all down, yknow? i keep forgetting to write about the weird offshoot and the rumors and the fact i've found people who are linked to the damn site (they haven't responded to my emails though :/) and how fucking elusive wiley's games is... i know all these things and i know i need to get to these and i should tell you people but i just keep forgetting and it's like what's the point? why can't i do this right? i vowed to focus on this but im still not good enough to even have the energy to finish what i started... haven't cleaned my room in months, floor covered in papers... i look like shit tbh. i need to get back on track. i already threw away everything for this. like, i havent spoken to my friend in months. i hope she doesn't think i hate her or anything for that honestly... i just... i cant keep on doing this, pretending that everything is fine, that my entire self worth is defined by a fucking game for babies. god. thats so stupid honestly. all of this over that???? 

oh. something's seeing this isn't it? i should just go to bed.