oh my god

 i just came home to a message. some anonymous person said that this is what became of those who "looked too deep". i. i feel sick.

it was someone. a young woman i think. and her skin there was...

there was a bunch of eyes on her skin she looked dead there was blood everywhere it was like it erupted out of her. is that gonna be me? i've gotten to itching myself almost compulsively as of late. are they under my skin? do i have to get them out? no no no i can't peel it off am i fucking insane??? 

i dont think i remember even writing a lot of these posts. i dont even really know if i'll remember this hahahaha. i look at these and i just ask myself what the fuck was i doing what was i on? 

i can't pretend to be a normal person any longer. i just go to school i try to focus on my studies i used to talk to her but i just. i miss her so much i miss ave so much i wish i was better i wish i wasnt a fucking monster i wish i wasnt so selfish. she's an angel. living perfection. but i'm beyond salvation. she keeps calling me. i think it's gotten over a hundred at this point. i can't help but feel bad for her but... she must understand that this is good for her. nobody needs to know me. nobody should know me. 

another dont read

 i must be a whole new kind of selfish. i know she wants me out to be with her but i just can't do that. she calls me all the time asking me what's wrong.... i need her but she doesn't need me. i wish she could see that. i love her i really do she's my best friend i wanna be with her forever but... i have to sacrifice my relationship with her. no matter how much i need her... is it wild to admit my day gets a lot brighter whenever she's around? i need her like i need ocygen bht i dont deservrr her hahahha. hah... im going to bed

a thousand eyes. or is it 999?

 they're watching me. i just know they are. i can feel it. a thousand eyes staring right at me. waiting for me to write this. to exist again. right now as i type this there are eyes appearing anywhere i can find them. there are eyes on the desk, the chair, my hands. none on the computer though. that's like... sacred.

do you think i'm going crazy? considering the stuff ppl sent me on the guestbook i might as well. haha. isn't that funny? the way i so quickly broke down. i miss my friend i miss her so much i don't really feel like a person without her. but i know she's better this way. everyone would be better off without me.

all i need is this screen. all i need is the search. then all of this will end and i can finally start living again. i can be a person again... 

am i real? am i a real person? or am i fictional? maybe i'm fictional. maybe i AM just text on a screen and nothing more. maybe some other person is writing this right now, bored out of their mind. hahahahaha that'd be so fucked right?

im tired im going to bed.

happy anniversary!

 so. it is may first, which officially means that this blog has been running for a full year. it's funny, isn't it? i reread the first post. i used to have light in my eyes back then. i didn't even know about the search or whatever the fuck. i was able to sleep easy at night. look at me now, my room's a pigsty, i refuse to talk to my friend, nothing can save me. and i don't think i really want to be saved. i kind of wish i could go back and tell past sabie "it's not worth it", but it's too late now. and this site won't find itself haha!!!